Cows Loves Cake

"Abandon all hope ye who pug in here"

So for the 4th time in a two week period the almighty random number generator has decided that Oculus is to be our daily heroic today.  What the fuck. When the daily is Oculus you better fucking hope that you get home in time from whatever you do to pass the daylight hours, in order to get into a guild group.  Because if you don’t you’re fucked.  The dungeon is designed so badly, it is the bane of every raider who still needs to farm triumph badgers.

If wow dungeons were school children, Oculus would be the boy at the back of the class who eats glue, draws cocks on the furniture and smells faintly of his own piss.

“But wait”, I hear you say, “I like Oculus and think it’s awesome”.  If you’re saying that then you should immediately delete your wow characters, format your c-drive and go and seek professional help for mental retardation.  This dungeon isn’t just bad, I’m pretty sure it’s actually evil.  It’s like they took every aspect of the game which was annoying and buggy and shoved all those ideas into 1 place, and then made it have an extra long corpse run just for good measure.

So lets go through a few of the main factors that make a shit WotLK dungeon shall we?

1. Place it a fucking long way from Dalaran?  Check.
2. Put random pathing agro mobs around the summoning stone? Check.
   

   FUCK OFF YOU DISEMBODIED COCK

3. Lots of shitty caster mob trash that doesn’t let u pull stuff properly? Check.
4. Vehicles? Check.
5. Mobs that are immune to specific damage types (fire, frost, nature etc)? Check.
6. Possibility to get lost if you haven’t done it before?  Fucking big check.
7. Gimmicky boss design which only seems to exist to annoy the fuck out of people?  Check.
8. Lots of moving or waiting around for stuff and very little actual killing? Check.
9. Insta-kill boss abilities that pretty much 1 shot ppl who don’t know about them? Check.
10. Buggy crap trash mobs that will agro you in the middle of a boss fight for no apparent reason?  Check.

So you’re starting a pug for Oculus because, like me, you really do need those 2 triumph badgers and everyone else in the guild has already done it OR told you to fuck off (the sensible ones) and flatly wont do it no matter what.  The first hurdle is actually managing to get people to do the dungeon, even on daily day very few people are willing to do this piece of shit which can make getting a trade / lfg pug difficult.

Lets assume that we have a group now, so the fighting already starts on who should have to fly all the fucking way out to the ass end of nowhere in order to summon, usually it ends up that I’m flying no matter what.  It’s either that or wait 3 hours for one of the brain dead troop in my group to realise no one is going to summon his lazy fat arse.  Now you’re at the stone, where there are probably 1 billion alliance all having a tea party because apparently alliance fucking love this dungeon or some shit and can’t get enough of flying around on their red penis drakes like the fucking RPers.  So after you’ve painfully waited for them to summon their oculus-loving brethren and fuck off, you start summoning your failboat group and it seems like every fucking pink arcane penis snake in the area just homes in on you and attacks one after the other.  Of course they wait until you think you’re safe to summon and then one spawns right behind you and spits it’s arcane spunk ball on you just as u have 0.5 seconds left on the summon.  All this and you’re not even in the fucking instance yet.

Once you actually make it inside, hopefully your server has been upgraded so the instance servers aren’t making people head butt the portal for 30 mins to get in, you buff and start going.  The tank probably hasn’t been here before and tries to ranged pull one of the whelps and then gets faceraped while you heal him and wait for him to realise that he needs to actually run into them.  You slowly make your way to the first boss, probably pulling agro on a shitload of whelps on the way which the tank and dps ignore, and you have to kill this fucking retarded boss who keeps porting you on top of him as if it’s some kind of punishment.  I mean does he smell or something? I guess it’s supposed to be annoying because you’re meant to be dodging the pink bomb things but since they hit for like 5 damage no one gives a crap and just heals through it.

Now the fun starts, your brainless team of cocks have no idea what colour drake to take so you explain it, and then they promptly take the wrong ones anyway.  You fly over to the first platform and start shooting mobs, then you realise your team is still fucking miles away and so u fly back and try not to die in the way and persuade them to just fucking follow you and kill stuff.  Oh and don’t forget, as you’re a healer on a healer class drake (green) anyone who dies while on a drake will blame you for not healing even though you fucking can’t until the final boss anyway.

Somehow you manage to lead your merry band of retards to the first boss, and you dismount and pull him, at which point one or more flying blue drake trash shits will add on you for no reason and probably start ice blasting you as the healer.  The chance of your group noticing this is pretty low so you will just have to heal through it and hope they kill the boss before you end up a frozen tree stump. Now the real fun, unless you’re running with a death knight for death grip – only the ranged dps can actually dps down the bugged trash drake shits  – wait you didn’t bring ranged dps or a death knight? Oh well you’re fucked then.

Now you’re at the middle boss who makes you fly around 3 platforms killing random crap before he’ll actually fight you.  And some of that crap are elementals which are immune to a few types of damage, which is always fun.  Finally you get to the central ring and fight this total cock of a boss, the dps get him down to about 20% and then he disappears and because they’re all idiots they don’t know why (even though you told them earlier, but who reads party chat anyway these days?).  By the time they realise what’s happening (or read your party chat msgs telling them to move the fuck behind a pillar) they’re too slow to get out because of the frost bombs and get 1 shotted.  You then end up killing the boss with tank dps and rezzing 3 guys afterwards.

You’re nearly there now though so you ignore the failures and get on up to the final boss.  Don’t even try to dismount and buff the drakes or anything because if you do some fucking cock will pull him and you’ll be left standing there with your dick hanging out waiting to die.  The last boss is always fun, and hey it’s easier now right? Because the gear makes the drakes scale upward? Right?  Well yeah but you’re in a pug so while you might be sitting pretty with a 110k hp green drake the guys actually doing the tanking and the damage are probably in quest blues and crap.  If by some massive miracle you actually manage to kill the final boss with your rag tag crew of brain farts then you’re finally free.  But wait! Just as you’re looting the chest (and someone is probably going to open the chest and then go AFK for 5 hours so u cant loot the fucking quest item anyway) some fucknut will pull one of the remaining whelps which will now come along and proceed to rape you from range while the quest green mage u brought tries to dps it down.  And if you die, well that’s just awesome – now you have to release, corpserun,  zone in,  run back to the first boss location, grab a new drake, fly up for 30 mins to get to the chest and finally loot your mother fucking quest item, hearthstone, call people cunts, leave the group and then your DSL will decide to disconnect until 03:01 the next day.